blackpilled again
his royal bleakness
Jacob Kitchen, gooner of legend and esteemed degenerate, collects restraining orders on AGU's campus. He spent the past ten years of his life drinking /r9k/ Kool-Aid and now he's thoroughly convinced he's lost the genetic lottery. He is the photographer for AGU's official newspaper and the hired videographer for AGU's event team. He is a very powerful autist, and his special interest is all things camera and photography. He is a wonderful shot. His favorite hobby is taking pictures of his female classmates...
Lately, he's glommed onto Xian Weiss as his best friend and social avatar.
the bleakest apprentice
Xian Weiss is a walking and talking cesspool of mommy issues wrapped in anime main character delusions. He quickly became good friends with fellow degenerate Shane Hiddengrove to absolve himself from chronic wallflowering and social destitution. He is a hopeless romantic who believes life will work itself out like a trashy romcom ecchi manga, and he will wind up dating his e-girl crush-type Vivianne Cost by the end of the semester... Jacob Kitchen eggs on this delusion incessantly.
the ex-bandkids...
Lancer Iyengar is a campus troll operative with crippling, debilitating ADHD. He NEEDS to disappoint and ANNOY other people just to feel something. Everything he does is a desperate cry for dopamine–– attention. He's been doing this for years, and no cosmic dosage of Adderall or Ritalin or pumping him full of any other amphetamine has gotten him to stop. Hell, he's been selling his prescriptions for years–– ka-ching! Lancer HATES women, GRRR, COOTIES, and frequently harasses female classmates for a hot and quick Freudian rush. Jacob Kitchen is his BFF-sy forever and ever and ever. He is also AGU's local taxi, and he ferries around thrifty students inside his big, white van with penises drawn on its side.
He wishes Nate McCormick would talk to him–– they could be best friends, and relate on so many things!–– but some things will never change...
Shane Hiddengrove is a greasy Starbucks wage-slave who is obsessed with being cooler than his highschool self. He is never not high, persistently and desperately shmoozing around for any dealer he can get his slimy macchiato latte-stained fingers on. His greatest achievement is playing a sport in high school for four years, and he still wears the jersey to prove it. He has loved anime and tries to gaslight his peers into believing he has no clue what Japan is.
Lancer Iyengar is his sleep paralysis demon who's come back from the grave of his past to haunt him for being cringe. They went to high school forever, and the devil won't let him forget it.